Written by Clinical Director Julia Falzarano, MSW, RSW
Being a teenager has always involved comparison.
Who seems more confident. Who has more friends. Who fits in. Who looks a certain way. Who seems to have everything figured out.
But today, many of those comparisons do not end when a teen leaves school. They can follow them home, sit beside them at dinner, and continue scrolling across their screen late into the evening.
For parents, this can be difficult to watch.
You may notice your teen becoming more critical of their appearance, questioning whether they are “good enough,” or paying close attention to likes, views, comments, and what other people seem to be doing.
And sometimes, you may find yourself wondering: How much of this is simply part of being a teenager, and how much is being shaped by the world they are seeing online?
The answer is not always simple.
Two things can be true at once: social media can create meaningful opportunities for connection, creativity, belonging, and self-expression, and it can also make it much easier for teens to compare themselves with carefully curated versions of other people’s lives.
Research on social media and adolescent self-esteem reflects some of this complexity. A recent systematic review found that social media can have both positive and negative relationships with self-esteem in adolescents, depending in part on how it is being used and experienced (Kotijah et al., 2024). Another systematic review found that social media use and body image are closely connected, particularly around appearance-based comparison and exposure to idealized images (Revranche et al., 2022).
So perhaps the goal is not to help teenagers avoid every comparison, every difficult feeling, or every uncomfortable moment online.
Perhaps the goal is to help them develop a stronger sense of who they are underneath it all.
Why Social Media Can Feel So Personal During the Teen Years
Adolescence is a time when identity is still taking shape.
Teens are beginning to ask important questions, even when they do not always say them out loud:
Who am I?
Where do I belong?
What do other people think of me?
Am I enough as I am?
Peers naturally become more important during this stage of development. Feeling accepted, included, and valued can carry a great deal of emotional weight.
Social media can intensify this process because feedback is often immediate and visible.
A photo can receive hundreds of likes.
A message can be left unanswered.
Someone else’s weekend, friendship, relationship, appearance, accomplishment, or social life can suddenly become a point of comparison.
And unlike the comparisons many of us experienced growing up, today’s teenagers can encounter them almost continuously.
Research suggests that the relationship between social media and adolescent self-esteem is not simply a matter of how much time a teenager spends online. The nature of the interaction matters too. Some forms of social media use may provide connection and support, while other experiences may involve comparison, self-evaluation, or pressure to present oneself in a particular way (Kotijah et al., 2024; Piccerillo & Digennaro, 2025).
But underneath all of those findings is something very human.
Your teen may be looking at someone else’s highlight reel while quietly comparing it to the parts of themselves they feel most unsure about.
It can be a difficult comparison to win.
Self-Esteem Is More Than Feeling Confident
When we think about self-esteem, we sometimes imagine a teenager who feels confident, outgoing, comfortable in their appearance, and secure in every situation.
But healthy self-esteem does not mean never feeling insecure.
It does not mean loving every part of yourself every day.
And it certainly does not mean never caring what other people think.
A stronger sense of self might sound more like:
I still have worth when I make a mistake.
I still matter when someone does not choose me.
I can dislike something about myself without believing that everything about me is wrong.
I do not have to earn my value through other people’s approval.
That kind of self-esteem develops slowly.
It grows through relationships, experiences, mistakes, encouragement, independence, belonging, and learning that our worth is larger than any single moment.
For teens growing up with social media, one of the challenges is helping that internal voice become louder than the constant stream of external feedback.
How Can Parents Help Teens Build Self-Esteem?
It can be tempting to focus immediately on the amount of time your teen spends online.
Sometimes that matters. Sleep, movement, school, friendships, family life, and time away from screens all need space too.
But another helpful question is:
How does your teen feel after spending time online?
One teenager might spend an hour messaging close friends and leave feeling connected.
Another might spend the same amount of time comparing their appearance to influencers and leave feeling like they need to change themselves.
The number of minutes does not always tell the whole story.
Notice what happens around social media use.
Does your teen seem more withdrawn afterward?
Do they frequently compare their appearance, body, friendships, achievements, or lifestyle to other people?
Does their mood seem closely tied to likes or responses?
Do they repeatedly delete photos that do not receive enough attention?
Are they becoming increasingly critical of themselves?
These moments may offer an opening for curiosity rather than immediate correction.
Start With Curiosity, Not Criticism
When parents become concerned, the instinct to protect can sometimes sound like:
“Get off your phone.”
“None of that is real.”
“Why do you care what those people think?”
The intention may be loving.
But a teenager may hear something different:
You don’t understand.
Instead, you might begin with curiosity.
“What do you like about being on there?”
“Are there certain accounts that make you feel better or worse about yourself?”
“Do you ever notice yourself comparing your life to what you see?”
“What do you think people leave out when they post online?”
You do not have to agree with everything your teen says.
You also do not have to pretend that every part of social media is healthy.
The goal is to create enough emotional safety that your teen keeps talking.
When a teenager feels understood, guidance often has somewhere to land.
When Comparison Starts to Shape How They See Themselves
Comparison is deeply human.
We look around us to understand where we fit.
The difference today is that social media gives that instinct an almost endless amount of material.
A teenager can compare their ordinary Tuesday evening to someone else’s vacation.
Their unfiltered reflection to someone’s carefully edited photo.
Their most uncertain season to another person’s proudest accomplishment.
Their one difficult friendship to someone else’s carefully selected group of friends.
Over time, that can make a normal life feel strangely inadequate.
Research on adolescent body image has found meaningful connections between social media use and body image concerns, particularly when young people engage in appearance-based social comparison or are repeatedly exposed to idealized images (Revranche et al., 2022).
Helping teens develop social media literacy can be part of protecting them from this comparison trap.
You might talk together about what goes into creating the content they see:
Lighting.
Angles.
Filters.
Editing.
Multiple attempts at the same photograph.
Carefully selected moments.
Deleted photos.
Sponsorships.
And the simple fact that most people do not post every difficult part of their day.
A social media feed is a window into someone’s life, but it is rarely the whole house.
Learning to notice what is missing can help teenagers become more thoughtful consumers of what they see.
Make Their Identity Bigger Than Their Online Presence
One of the most protective things a teenager can develop is a sense of identity that exists beyond appearance and approval.
What if they know themselves as more than how they look?
More than how many people like them?
More than whether someone responds to their message?
More than whether they are considered successful, attractive, funny, athletic, or interesting?
Notice qualities that have nothing to do with how they look or how successful they are.
Their kindness.
Their humour.
Their curiosity.
Their creativity.
The way they show up for a friend.
Their willingness to keep trying.
Their courage in doing something uncomfortable.
Their ability to apologize.
Their growing independence.
And when you notice these qualities, be specific.
Instead of only saying:
“I’m proud of you.”
You might say:
“I noticed how patient you were with your brother even though you were frustrated.”
Or:
“You seemed nervous about doing that, and you did it anyway.”
Or:
“I noticed you kept trying even when that was really difficult.”
These small moments help a teenager understand that there are many ways to be valuable.
Their identity becomes rooted in something deeper than being liked, noticed, attractive, or impressive.
Let Home Be Somewhere They Do Not Have to Perform
There are already many places where teenagers may feel evaluated.
School marks them.
Sports rank them.
Social groups include and exclude them.
Social media counts likes, views, followers, and comments.
Home can become something different.
A place where they do not always have to achieve.
A place where difficult feelings are allowed.
A place where mistakes can become conversations instead of evidence that they have failed.
This does not mean removing expectations or boundaries.
It means helping your teenager experience the difference between:
“I made a mistake”
and
“I am a mistake.”
That distinction matters.
A teenager’s worth does not need to disappear every time they struggle.
Model the Relationship With Technology You Hope They Develop
Teens notice more than we sometimes realize.
They notice when adults repeatedly check notifications during conversations.
They notice comments about bodies and appearance.
They notice when someone posts a photo and immediately begins checking who responded.
They notice how we talk about ourselves after looking in the mirror.
This is not about being a perfect example.
Parents are navigating the same digital world too.
Sometimes it can actually be powerful to name that openly:
“I noticed I was scrolling a lot tonight, and it wasn’t actually making me feel very good.”
Or:
“I caught myself comparing myself to someone online.”
That kind of honesty teaches something important.
Technology does not have to be either “good” or “bad.”
We can learn to notice how it affects us and make choices from there.
Protect the Parts of Life That Build Confidence Offline
Self-esteem is not built only through positive thinking.
It also grows through experience.
Trying something difficult.
Learning a skill.
Helping someone.
Creating something.
Moving your body.
Spending time with people who make you feel safe.
Having responsibilities.
Discovering what matters to you.
Getting something wrong and realizing you can recover.
These experiences give teenagers opportunities to experience themselves as capable.
They begin to learn:
I can do hard things.
I can contribute.
I can make mistakes and recover.
I can be myself around people who accept me.
I have things to offer the world.
Encouraging your teen to have parts of their life that cannot be measured by a follower count can create important space for this kind of learning.
Because confidence does not always come from telling ourselves that we are good enough.
Sometimes it comes from experiencing ourselves as capable.
When Your Teen Does Not Believe the Reassurance
There may be times when you tell your teen they are beautiful, smart, talented, loved, or worthy—and they simply do not believe you.
That can be painful for a parent.
You may find yourself wanting to convince them:
“No, you’re beautiful.”
“That’s not true.”
“Why would you think that about yourself?”
But self-esteem rarely changes because someone gives us the perfect compliment.
Sometimes a teenager first needs space to understand where the negative belief came from.
If they say:
“I hate how I look.”
You might be tempted to immediately respond:
“No, you’re beautiful!”
Instead, you might begin with:
“It sounds like you’ve been feeling really uncomfortable with yourself lately.”
That response does not agree with the negative belief.
It communicates something different:
I can hear that this hurts.
Sometimes feeling understood is the first step toward being able to see ourselves differently.
When Extra Support May Help
Most teenagers will experience periods of insecurity, comparison, and uncertainty.
That is part of growing up.
But sometimes those feelings begin to take up more space.
If concerns about appearance, worth, friendships, social approval, or online interactions are beginning to affect your teen’s mood, sleep, relationships, school life, eating, or willingness to participate in things they once enjoyed, additional support may be helpful.
Therapy can offer teenagers a space to explore these experiences without feeling judged or pressured to immediately “feel better.”
It can also give them an opportunity to understand the beliefs they have developed about themselves, explore where those beliefs come from, and begin building a sense of self that feels more stable and compassionate.
Research examining adolescent social media use also highlights the importance of looking beyond social media behaviour itself and considering emotional factors such as self-esteem and emotion regulation (Piccerillo & Digennaro, 2025).
Sometimes the question is not simply:
“How do we get our teenager off their phone?”
It may be:
“What is happening for them when they are on it?”
And perhaps even more importantly:
“What do we want them to know about themselves when the screen is no longer there?”
A Stronger Voice Beneath the Noise
Parents cannot control every image their teen will see.
They cannot control every comment they will receive, every friendship that changes, or every comparison that crosses their mind.
And perhaps that is not the goal.
The goal is to help them develop something they can carry with them.
A quieter but stronger internal voice that says:
I know who I am.
I don’t have to become someone else to belong.
What people see online is only one part of a much bigger story.
My worth does not disappear when I feel insecure.
That voice may not always be loud.
There will still be difficult days.
There will still be comparisons.
There may still be moments when a comment online hurts more than we wish it did.
But over time, that inner sense of self can become something a teenager returns to.
Social media will continue to change. The platforms may look different a few years from now. The trends certainly will.
But a teenager who is learning to meet themselves with curiosity, compassion, and a growing sense of their own worth is building something that can last much longer than the latest platform.
At Willow Tree Wellness & Psychotherapy, we understand that supporting a teenager can sometimes mean holding space for emotions that are difficult to put into words. If your teen is struggling with self-esteem, confidence, social comparison, body image, or the pressures of growing up in an online world, therapy can offer a supportive place to explore what they are experiencing and begin building a healthier relationship with themselves.
References
Kotijah, S., Yusuf, A., Fitryasari P. K. R., Manalu, N. V., Sumiatin, T., & Aditya, R. S. (2024). Social media and its relationship with self-esteem among adolescents: A systematic review. Malaysian Journal of Public Health Medicine, 24(2), 85–95. https://doi.org/10.37268/mjphm/vol.24/no.2/art.2547
Piccerillo, L., & Digennaro, S. (2025). Adolescent social media use and emotional intelligence: A systematic review. Adolescent Research Review, 10, 201–218. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40894-024-00245-z
Revranche, M., Biscond, M., & Husky, M. M. (2022). Investigating the relationship between social media use and body image among adolescents: A systematic review. L’Encéphale, 48(2), 206–218. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.encep.2021.08.006
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