By Julia Falzarano, MSW, RSW | Willow Tree Wellness & Psychotherapy, Pickering, ON

When your child sees the world differently, more brightly, more intensely, more boldly, it can feel like you're walking through an unfamiliar forest without a map.

You love them so deeply. You want to understand them, help them, guide them. But sometimes, it’s hard to know where to begin.

If you're parenting a child with ADHD, Autism, or both, you're not alone. In my therapy practice, I work with families just like yours, navigating the everyday complexities of neurodivergence with compassion, curiosity, and a whole lot of heart.

This blog is a love letter to those parents: a blend of science and soul. A guide that doesn’t just focus on managing meltdowns, but on nurturing confidence, connection, and joy.

What Is ADHD? What Is Autism?

Both ADHD and Autism exist on a spectrum, and no two children look exactly the same. But here’s a general guide: ADHD often shows up as impulsivity, distractibility, high energy, and trouble with planning or waiting. Autism may include sensory sensitivity, differences in communication and social interaction, and focused interests that bring deep joy. They often overlap in areas like: Executive functioning challenges

Difficulty with emotional regulation

Trouble shifting gears (transitions)

And here’s a crucial truth:
Self-regulation is tied to brain development. The parts of the brain responsible for planning, calming, and flexibility aren’t fully developed until the mid-20s—and that development may be delayed by 2–3 years in neurodivergent kids. So the meltdowns? The “why can’t they just…?” moments? They’re developmentally expected.

A Gentle Shift: Differences, Not Deficits

Let’s begin with a simple, powerful truth:
Your child is not broken. They are beautifully, wonderfully wired for difference.

Autism and ADHD are not signs of failure. They are variations in how the brain processes the world, sensory experiences, emotions, time, and connection.

Instead of asking “What’s wrong with my child?”
Try: “What feels hard for them right now?” “What helps them feel safe, regulated, and seen?”

Language matters.

Rather than saying “high needs” or “low functioning,” we can speak to specific support needs: “She thrives with structure and has high support needs during transitions.”

“He’s verbal and socially curious, but struggles with impulsivity and focus.”

As psychologist Dr. Devon Price says, “Neurodivergent people aren’t failed versions of neurotypicals. We are complete, complex people in our own right.”

All Behavior Is Communication: magine your child is speaking a language that doesn’t use words. Their meltdowns, refusals, interruptions—these are messages.
They are not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time.

Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, reminds us: “Kids do well if they can.” So when they’re not? We get curious. Not critical.
What’s underneath the behavior? Sensory overload? Anxiety? A desperate need for control in a world that feels unpredictable? Behavior is not a problem to solve. It’s a clue to follow.

Building a Bridge: Home, School & Therapy

Your child’s world is made up of many pieces, home, school, therapy, and when those pieces align, something magical happens. They feel understood.

Support grows stronger when: We use shared language across caregivers and professionals. We let the child lead when possible, especially in play and communication. We create flexible routines that feel safe and predictable. Most of all, when we respect their experience, even when we don’t fully understand it.

Three Heart-Centered Strategies That Make a Difference

1. Structure & Predictability: Imagine waking up in a foreign country with no map, no language, no idea what’s next. That’s often how neurodivergent kids feel.

Predictability creates safety. Try:

a) Visual schedules (pictures work wonders)

b) “First/then” language → “First teeth, then story”

c) Countdown timers for transitions

d) Clear, loving routines

e) Framing requests by what to do, not what not to do → “Come sit with me” instead of “Get off the counter”

2. Co-Regulation: The Power of Your Presence: Before kids can regulate themselves, they need to borrow your calm. Name your own emotions aloud: “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m taking deep breaths.”

Use visuals like feelings thermometers or emotion wheels

Practice calming skills when everyone is calm, not mid-meltdown. Try butterfly hugs, deep breathing, or roleplay to build emotional literacy. Think of it like learning to fly a plane. Would you rather learn mid-crash—or on the ground?

3. Validation Before Fixing: You don’t need the perfect answer. Your child just needs to know they’re not alone in how they feel. Instead of: “Stop crying!” Try: “That was a big change. I get why you’re upset.”

Instead of: “You’re too loud!” Try: Let’s do a whisper challenge!”. Validation reduces shame and creates space for connection.

Reframing What It Means to Thrive: Thriving doesn’t mean fitting in. It doesn’t mean sitting still or never having outbursts. It means: Feeling safe and loved. Expressing needs and boundaries. Finding joy, creativity, and rest. Your child’s success won’t always follow a straight line. But it will be rich with meaning, growth, and resilience.

Real-Life Parenting Scripts for Emotional Moments. When your child is overwhelmed:
“You’re really upset. That makes sense.”
“Let’s cool off for a few minutes. I’m here when you’re ready.”

When your child resists rules:
“It’s hard to stop playing, isn’t it?”
“You can brush teeth now or in two minutes—your choice.

When your child feels unheard:
“You’re right—I might not fully understand. But I want to.”

The Magic of Small Choices: When I volunteered at SickKids, I saw how something as simple as choosing a sticker, ladybug or dragonfly, gave kids a sense of control. For neurodivergent kids, choice is powerful: “Do you want to walk like a dinosaur or tiptoe like a ninja?” “Markers or crayons for this drawing?” “Brush teeth or PJs first?”

These micro-moments of agency build trust, motivation, and flexible thinking.

Did You Know?: 1 in 50 children in Canada are diagnosed with Autism (PHAC, 2022). 5–7% of Canadian kids have ADHD (CADDAC, 2023). Over 50% of kids with one condition show traits of the other. 1 in 4 kids with ADHD and 1 in 5 with ASD have anxiety. Early support leads to better long-term outcomes.

A Final Note from Me to You: Parenting a neurodivergent child is not for the faint of heart.
But it’s also filled with wonder, wisdom, and unexpected joy. Every meltdown you navigate with grace…
Every moment you slow down to listen…Every time you meet your child with curiosity instead of correction,
you are changing their world.

If you need more support or want to explore how therapy can help your child thrive, I’m here.

juliafalzarano.therapy@outlook.com
willowtreewellnessandpsychotherapy.ca

You’re doing better than you think.
And your child is fortunate to have you.